Monday, January 2, 2012
So, it's a new year, and you find that the first day of it is a day-off. Many of us have made ridiculous resolutions, and I do believe most of them are, but here's the thing: there's a reason that the new year gets marked with resolutions, there's a reason that it's considered a turning point. We've just spent the past, what? six weeks celebrating, and eating, and boozing, and now we're back from the holidays and it's January. It's cold and harsh, there's nothing good on TV, you're broke from buying all the food and booze, and now everything seems gray, but stop your whining, because
IT'S A NEW YEAR!!!.
We've just left a season where dreams come true, and hope abounds; the last vestiges of that are New Year's resolutions. "Don't worry that there's nothing meaningful to look forward to fat-ass, in the new year you're gonna get in shape and find someone to love you", or "So what, you didn't get kissed at midnight, this year you're going to travel, and meet a foreigner who's stricken by your unique looks and he'll sweep you right off your feet, and then you can bring him back here and show all these cunts who've been callin' you ugly, how good that foreign dick is. So bring your homely ass to Russia, where they fuck mules!" See? You can make anything possible with a New Year's resolution about it. "This year I'm going to fly around the world!" "This year I'm going to open my own business!" "This year I'm going to be faithful to my wife!" No you're not-- but you're gonna spend a LOT of money trying.
What I'm saying is let's be a little more realistic with these resolutions and maybe they wouldn't fail so miserably. And please stop making it about finding someone to love you. I have talked to so many people this season, men and women, who were like "2012 is my year to find someone", why? What's so mystical about 2012? It's not even a cool number, it's not a palindrome, or like an irrational number, it's a whole integer---BO-RING, -- and further you know what's attractive about some desperate soul, searching for love? Nothing. So stop looking, because I have the answer and it's right in front of most of you, but I like to be able to take credit so I'll be able to say "I told you so..." The answer is this, one simple resolution that will put you in such a wonderful frame of mind, that your quality of life will only improve: In all facets of life, if you can do something, then you should do something. That's it, it's the best resolution, and one I've decided to make for myself. I may be tired after work, but if a friend asks me for drinks I'll go, and I may be counting my dollars after holiday spending, but if a charity I believe in asks me for a little more, I will give. If I have to stay a little later at work, then so be it. If I have to commit to something long-range without being certain, then I'll just have to hope it goes well. It's about the experience. It's a bout a higher quality of life.
Now I understand that as a comic bad instances are more beneficial to me than most people, and I'm a bit more adventurous than some, but not as much as others. The people I know who take the biggest risks, and live without shame are the ones enjoying their lives the most. I hope to be counted among them, and I hope the same for all of you in the New Year--it's a big hope, but not impossible. So go for a run, or make a too fancy dinner for yourself, waste an afternoon at the movies, and yes always have sex with whoever you want,
You can thank me next Christmas!