Saturday, March 24, 2012

Genius on the Other Side?

     So I have a friend and she's out visiting in the bay area,

and while there she tweeted that she's considering making a go at "the lesbian thing", it got me thinking...Maybe I should give straight another chance?  I mean this gay thing isn't really working for me.  Seriously, I don't have a problem with being a homosexual, but the gay scene is so lame, and I live in New York City.  I would rather jump into a wood chipper than show up at any gay bar.  I'm serious you know, every time one's written up as "the best" I turn up ready to find my park of bumble-bee suited mates, and it turns out that by "best" the reviewer meant loudest.  Seriously, I've tried all kinds of gay bars, in every neighborhood, and they are all so weak.  Either they are full of party bois (really? party bois? with an i? it's 2012 and ur still acting like '90's ravers, really?) who call me "Hey Bitch!"; or they are full of middle aged repressed suburbanites who stain their dockers over some ethnic bartender who can't figure out which end of a Boston Shaker is up

(yes, East Village gay bars I'm talking to you); or they have some shameful 40 something bartender with his 'roided out physique watering down drinks and throwing way too much shade at his guests (read: Splash!), or they are sex clubs where hairy old men want to team up on someone while he lays back gyno-style in a sling (...and we're in Chelsea), even the hipster bars are so beat with their foolish looking staff, and overly anxious door people, I just want to be like: "relax you work at a bar, this isn't that important, and stop looking in the mirror" (you were my greatest hope Williamsburg...) and they all smell exactly the same, like a basement full of condoms, which is basically what they are.
     None of these things describe the place in which I want to do my drinking.  Honestly, I don't see how any self-respecting guy could identify with any of these choices.  Unfortunately that means that I don't have a place the hang with other gays, and enjoy their company.  As a matter of fact most of the time being with a group of gays is a deterrent.  I have a friend who does a drag act and it's really fun, and when you're in the mood, she's really sharp and upbeat, but the crowd that she draws is so horrible that I almost never go (and that's not just me, I know a lot of gay guys who are bothered by loud bossy the crowd, not on stage).  And before you call me self-loathing, or uber-critical, because I don't want to be identified as gay, I'll tell you that I quite love myself, as a mater of fact I'm the most selfish person I know and I wish sincerely that more people were like me; and in terms of being critical of other gays: of course I am, I have to be identified with those people and most of them are an embarrassment.

     I'm not going to lie, I don't have a great record when it comes to gay relationships.  My longest relationship was seven months, and toward the end he told me he'd been thinking about suicide.  I was in school so I wasn't necessarily that attentive, and I broke up with him in order to focus on my MCATs, but still I missed suicidal tendencies, obviously this wasn't a priority.  That's not even the worst of it, I once broke up with a guy because I saw him run while wearing loafers.  Then there was the one who informed me, through pursed lips and cocked shoulders, that I was a very "independent sleeper" (throughout the night I would move further and further away from him), also the time that I fell asleep while a boyfriend told me his "coming out" story--would you have stayed awake to hear that?(SHRUG).   Then there was the guy who got a new dog that was so adorable: his dog ran did I --what, animals have more sense than people.  So I've been gay in New York for over ten years and have yet to meet any legitimately serious guys.  So maybe that's it, huh?  Maybe that's the ball game, we wrap it up and start over?

     The only problem is that I am not sexually attracted to women, oh and also that I would feel bad treating a woman like I treat men, but other than that I'm all set...but I can't go without sex, because I do love it; and I'm from Connecticut, so I can't be in one of these new-fangled relationships where she's cool with me going out every-other Tuesday in order to sate myself (ew), that's not going to work.  Alright, well there goes that idea...
     So I guess for now I'll just continue to hang out with straight guys and women, and just enjoy my nights off.  No such a bad situation, actually sounds quite enjoyable...ah the drinks!

Monday, January 2, 2012

Genius at the Turn

So, it's  a new year, and you find that the first day of it is a day-off.  Many of us have made ridiculous resolutions, and I do believe most of them are, but here's the thing: there's a reason that the new year gets marked with resolutions, there's a reason that it's considered a turning point.  We've just spent the past, what? six weeks celebrating, and eating, and boozing, and now we're back from the holidays and it's January.  It's cold and harsh, there's nothing good on TV, you're broke from buying all the food and booze, and now everything seems gray, but stop your whining, because

                                                                      IT'S A NEW YEAR!!!.

We've just left a season where dreams come true, and hope abounds; the last vestiges of that are New Year's resolutions.  "Don't worry that there's nothing meaningful to look forward to fat-ass, in the new year you're gonna get in shape and find someone to love you", or "So what, you didn't get kissed at midnight, this year you're going to travel, and meet a foreigner who's stricken by your unique looks and he'll sweep you right off your feet, and then you can bring him back here and show all these cunts who've been callin' you ugly, how good that foreign dick is.  So bring your homely ass to Russia, where they fuck mules!"   See?  You can make anything possible with a New Year's resolution about it.  "This year I'm going to fly around the world!"  "This year I'm going to open my own business!"  "This year I'm going to be faithful to my wife!"  No you're not-- but you're gonna spend a LOT of money trying.  

What I'm saying is let's be a little more realistic with these resolutions and maybe they wouldn't fail so miserably.  And please stop making it about finding someone to love you.  I have talked to so many people this season, men and women, who were like "2012 is my year to find someone", why?  What's so mystical about 2012?  It's not even a cool number, it's not a palindrome, or like an irrational number, it's a whole integer---BO-RING, -- and further you know what's attractive about some desperate soul, searching for love?  Nothing.  So stop looking, because I have the answer and it's right in front of most of you, but I like to be able to take credit so I'll be able to say "I told you so..."  The answer is this, one simple resolution that will put you in such a wonderful frame of mind, that your quality of life will only improve: In all facets of life, if you can do something, then you should do something.  That's it, it's the best resolution, and one I've decided to make for myself.  I may be tired after work, but if a friend asks me for drinks I'll go, and I may be counting my dollars after holiday spending, but if a charity I believe in asks me for a little more, I will give.   If I have to stay a little later at work, then so be it.  If I have to commit to something long-range without being certain, then I'll just have to hope it goes well.  It's about the experience. It's a bout a higher quality of life.

Now I understand that as a comic bad instances are more beneficial to me than most people, and I'm a bit more adventurous than some, but not as much as others. The people I know who take the biggest risks, and live without shame are the ones enjoying their lives the most.  I hope to be counted among them, and I hope the same for all of you in the New Year--it's a big hope, but not impossible.  So go for a run, or make a too fancy dinner for yourself, waste an afternoon at the movies, and yes always have sex with whoever you want,

                                                           You can thank me next Christmas!