Saturday, March 24, 2012

Genius on the Other Side?

     So I have a friend and she's out visiting in the bay area,

and while there she tweeted that she's considering making a go at "the lesbian thing", it got me thinking...Maybe I should give straight another chance?  I mean this gay thing isn't really working for me.  Seriously, I don't have a problem with being a homosexual, but the gay scene is so lame, and I live in New York City.  I would rather jump into a wood chipper than show up at any gay bar.  I'm serious you know, every time one's written up as "the best" I turn up ready to find my park of bumble-bee suited mates, and it turns out that by "best" the reviewer meant loudest.  Seriously, I've tried all kinds of gay bars, in every neighborhood, and they are all so weak.  Either they are full of party bois (really? party bois? with an i? it's 2012 and ur still acting like '90's ravers, really?) who call me "Hey Bitch!"; or they are full of middle aged repressed suburbanites who stain their dockers over some ethnic bartender who can't figure out which end of a Boston Shaker is up

(yes, East Village gay bars I'm talking to you); or they have some shameful 40 something bartender with his 'roided out physique watering down drinks and throwing way too much shade at his guests (read: Splash!), or they are sex clubs where hairy old men want to team up on someone while he lays back gyno-style in a sling (...and we're in Chelsea), even the hipster bars are so beat with their foolish looking staff, and overly anxious door people, I just want to be like: "relax you work at a bar, this isn't that important, and stop looking in the mirror" (you were my greatest hope Williamsburg...) and they all smell exactly the same, like a basement full of condoms, which is basically what they are.
     None of these things describe the place in which I want to do my drinking.  Honestly, I don't see how any self-respecting guy could identify with any of these choices.  Unfortunately that means that I don't have a place the hang with other gays, and enjoy their company.  As a matter of fact most of the time being with a group of gays is a deterrent.  I have a friend who does a drag act and it's really fun, and when you're in the mood, she's really sharp and upbeat, but the crowd that she draws is so horrible that I almost never go (and that's not just me, I know a lot of gay guys who are bothered by loud bossy the crowd, not on stage).  And before you call me self-loathing, or uber-critical, because I don't want to be identified as gay, I'll tell you that I quite love myself, as a mater of fact I'm the most selfish person I know and I wish sincerely that more people were like me; and in terms of being critical of other gays: of course I am, I have to be identified with those people and most of them are an embarrassment.

     I'm not going to lie, I don't have a great record when it comes to gay relationships.  My longest relationship was seven months, and toward the end he told me he'd been thinking about suicide.  I was in school so I wasn't necessarily that attentive, and I broke up with him in order to focus on my MCATs, but still I missed suicidal tendencies, obviously this wasn't a priority.  That's not even the worst of it, I once broke up with a guy because I saw him run while wearing loafers.  Then there was the one who informed me, through pursed lips and cocked shoulders, that I was a very "independent sleeper" (throughout the night I would move further and further away from him), also the time that I fell asleep while a boyfriend told me his "coming out" story--would you have stayed awake to hear that?(SHRUG).   Then there was the guy who got a new dog that was so adorable: his dog ran did I --what, animals have more sense than people.  So I've been gay in New York for over ten years and have yet to meet any legitimately serious guys.  So maybe that's it, huh?  Maybe that's the ball game, we wrap it up and start over?

     The only problem is that I am not sexually attracted to women, oh and also that I would feel bad treating a woman like I treat men, but other than that I'm all set...but I can't go without sex, because I do love it; and I'm from Connecticut, so I can't be in one of these new-fangled relationships where she's cool with me going out every-other Tuesday in order to sate myself (ew), that's not going to work.  Alright, well there goes that idea...
     So I guess for now I'll just continue to hang out with straight guys and women, and just enjoy my nights off.  No such a bad situation, actually sounds quite enjoyable...ah the drinks!